Today's The Day

I'm going to talk to one of the counselors at the soup kitchen today. I now have a real problem to talk to those people about. The problems that I've mentioned in my last entry. My contact worker at Stepping Stones won't help me with a troubling part of my past that popped up, all of the sudden, so I'm going to get that outside help today. The warden only tells me that I'm going to have to let it go. She doesn't give me any tips. I guess that she doesn't know how. I don't feel that I can talk to her, until I put those shitty memories behind me. I've wasted my evening reading self help articles, and I don't care to read anything that doesn't have to do with music. I have a feeling that things will go well between the counselors and I, this morning.

Counseling

I'm planning to see if I can get some free counseling somewhere. I have a lot of issues from my past that need to be resolved. I've been having flashbacks about the small handful of toilet accidents that I've had as a child. I didn't say 50 accidents, I said a handful. My 22 year old niece is in the very early stages of potty training. That's what triggered it. Each child is different and she hates getting her diaper changed, so that's the best for her.

After the four accidents that I was scolded and shamed for, I had a suicide attack once at the age of four, two suicide attacks at the age of 6 and a suicide attack at the age of 8. This is what I've read on the Internet somewhere:

I read in The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome that some autistic people have something like "suicide attacks", brief acute suicidal/depressive episodes that go away with rest.

Those are the attacks that I'm talking about. I've experienced one of those episodes after being scolded for a each poop accident as a child that I've mentioned. I don't feel suicidal by any means, but it's very scary to remember every word and emotion associated with those accidents. I need to talk to somebody about this, and my contact worker at my clubhouse isn't being very helpful, right now.

I Need To Make Peace With My Past

I need to make peace with my past. My childhood in particular. This has occurred to me very recently. My sister has started potty training my 22 month old niece. That has brought back a handful of memories from my childhood. There were maybe 3 or 4 times that I was yelled at and scolded in a loud manner, the three or four accidents that I had between the ages 3 and 8. All of them having to do with poo and than my mum wondered why I was so reluctant to go poo during the daytime hours. I'd wait until after dark in the winter and after supper in the summer, because I had it in my mind that poo was evil and it was evil to go poo during the brightest of the daylight hours. Another childhood memory that I have concerning poo, is straining to poop every time that we were going to take a long trip or a long ride somewhere, starting the summer that I was 8 going on 9. I would do anything that it would take for me to go poo, usually using a lot of force and I've damaged a lot of nerves and muscles in my rectum and anus doing that.

During my teens and twenties, I didn't have any feeling in that part of my body anymore. Somehow, I've managed to keep up my hygiene. In my 30s, my nerves and muscles were so shot back there, that I've lost a lot of control back there and I wear Depends these days. It's not as big of a deal as I thought it was in 2006 and 2007. There are two icons of the 1960s who started wearing them, one being my role model who started wearing them at a very young age of 22 or even sooner. I have a very good eye for detail looking at pictures and I can pick up on stuff like that. If you really want to know their names, the names are Mick Avory and Bob Dyllan. Both with either HFA or AS. That's just two successful people on the spectrum. You parents don't need to worry, because 70% of grown adults on the spectrum don't have those problems.