Forced Change Is Not Good

Forced change is not good for people on the autistic spectrum.

I remember the spring and the summer of 1998. The worse summer months of my life. I felt that my parents didn't accept me the way that I was. I knew that my mum wanted me to be more feminine and I just wasn't ready for that. I will never be ready for that. She was talking me into buying clothes that were more feminine than what I was used to, or than the stuff that I wanted to wear. Clothes that were almost painted on to my body. She was also trying to turn me against The Kinks. That really pissed me off. She even compared me to Mick Avory of The Kinks in a patronizing manner. That caused 11 years of forced nerdiness and toughness. I've started out an Austin Powers like nerd and than I had to prove my toughness towards the end, after losing an online friend, by living the life of a Punk Rocker.

I came out of the ruins of the forced change in the September of 2009, accepting myself for the first time in my life. I've even accepted how much like Mick Avory I really am. I've decided that nobody is going to force me to change, this time. There might be people on the Internet who might not understand this about me. I've made up my mind that I'd rather face my Matrix head on and let my true colours show, than pretend to be like the 20 to 30 something year old women that I see walking around with their cute feminine clothes and their done up hair, who starve themselves to what they call female perfection.

From I've Seen And Observed

I was just talking about the fact that my niece is going through the beginning of potty training and some uneasy feelings I had about it.

This has got me writing about somebody who's 30 times her age, whom I look up to very much. From what I've seen and observed, Mick Avory has the same type of "problem" that I do. I've seen many pictures taking of The Kinks and himself from the 60s until now and it was very clear that he was wearing quite a bit more than ordinary underwear. He even made light of it, the night that The Kinks were inducted into The Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame. Watch very carefully around the 5:o4 mark in the video. It's a bit of a morality booster for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o97SEYHdKnM&feature=related

The Lies Behind The Stages

I've been through many stages in my life just lying to myself. Since a stage is putting on an act, I'd like to mention those stages that I've been through.

There was the Beatles Stage. The time that I was saying to everybody that I liked The Beatles. My speaking was very far from the truth. I talked about them all the time and bought their music. There was a group that I liked, better than The Beatles. Nobody knew, because that truth never got to see the light of day. I got scolded by my dad for talking about The Beatles and my mum told me that I have a one track mind. I don't think that it's right to be scolded and ridiculed for hiding who you really are.

Another stage was the Hippie Stage. I grew my hair longer and wore strange looking clothes. I wore flowered blouses, tie-dyed T-shirts, beads, headbands and sandals. I'm sure that my parents were shaking their heads at me, because I was going through another stage. Besides, how could the original version of 'You Really Got Me', be the favourite song of a hippie? A rule of thumb is that hippies like songs about protest, peace and flowers. My favourite song wasn't about any of those three things. It was about a Mod who wanted to marry another Mod of the opposite sex.

I didn't go through any stages from late 1994 to 1997. This was one of the better times of my life. I was listening to The Kinks foremost and the other British Invasion bands. I was telling my parents and coworkers things as they are, because I wasn't putting on an act. I wasn't wearing disguises or telling any lies. I was just being Shelby Munro at her best.

I took a turn for the worse in the Summer of 1998. My mum pointed out how I came pretty close to Mick Avory and than I started buying all this quasi futuristic stuff like the stuff that my mum threw away, as a way of emotionally abusing me. I got the horn rimmed glasses two years later. I wasn't going to be mistaken as someone who had the intelligence of a drummer. I guess I was aware of my true appearance, to get those glasses for that reason. I was also sick of being treated like I was Intellectually Disabled. I thought that horn rimmed glasses would make me seem intelligent and make everybody want to back off! That was my Austin Powers Stage. I was putting on an act and wasting my time.

Another stage was my 70s Punk Rock Stage. I was called a victim and told that I needed to take classes that would make me look less like a victim. I became angry at society and turned against The Kinks and the finer things in life. I was depressed. All this happened, after the incident with that guy in the wheelchair and that break up on the Internet. I didn't want guys looking at me and I also didn't want anything that had to do with the ways of society. I played the part of the tough Punker and spiked my hair with green hair putty and hairspray. That was the stage to end all stages.

I am not going through a stage right now. I don't see any reason that I would want to lie to myself, any more. Stages do not make me happy. The Kinks make me happy, and Mick Avory will be my role model until the day that I die. I hope I live a long life.

Today's The Day

I'm going to talk to one of the counselors at the soup kitchen today. I now have a real problem to talk to those people about. The problems that I've mentioned in my last entry. My contact worker at Stepping Stones won't help me with a troubling part of my past that popped up, all of the sudden, so I'm going to get that outside help today. The warden only tells me that I'm going to have to let it go. She doesn't give me any tips. I guess that she doesn't know how. I don't feel that I can talk to her, until I put those shitty memories behind me. I've wasted my evening reading self help articles, and I don't care to read anything that doesn't have to do with music. I have a feeling that things will go well between the counselors and I, this morning.

Counseling

I'm planning to see if I can get some free counseling somewhere. I have a lot of issues from my past that need to be resolved. I've been having flashbacks about the small handful of toilet accidents that I've had as a child. I didn't say 50 accidents, I said a handful. My 22 year old niece is in the very early stages of potty training. That's what triggered it. Each child is different and she hates getting her diaper changed, so that's the best for her.

After the four accidents that I was scolded and shamed for, I had a suicide attack once at the age of four, two suicide attacks at the age of 6 and a suicide attack at the age of 8. This is what I've read on the Internet somewhere:

I read in The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome that some autistic people have something like "suicide attacks", brief acute suicidal/depressive episodes that go away with rest.

Those are the attacks that I'm talking about. I've experienced one of those episodes after being scolded for a each poop accident as a child that I've mentioned. I don't feel suicidal by any means, but it's very scary to remember every word and emotion associated with those accidents. I need to talk to somebody about this, and my contact worker at my clubhouse isn't being very helpful, right now.

I Need To Make Peace With My Past

I need to make peace with my past. My childhood in particular. This has occurred to me very recently. My sister has started potty training my 22 month old niece. That has brought back a handful of memories from my childhood. There were maybe 3 or 4 times that I was yelled at and scolded in a loud manner, the three or four accidents that I had between the ages 3 and 8. All of them having to do with poo and than my mum wondered why I was so reluctant to go poo during the daytime hours. I'd wait until after dark in the winter and after supper in the summer, because I had it in my mind that poo was evil and it was evil to go poo during the brightest of the daylight hours. Another childhood memory that I have concerning poo, is straining to poop every time that we were going to take a long trip or a long ride somewhere, starting the summer that I was 8 going on 9. I would do anything that it would take for me to go poo, usually using a lot of force and I've damaged a lot of nerves and muscles in my rectum and anus doing that.

During my teens and twenties, I didn't have any feeling in that part of my body anymore. Somehow, I've managed to keep up my hygiene. In my 30s, my nerves and muscles were so shot back there, that I've lost a lot of control back there and I wear Depends these days. It's not as big of a deal as I thought it was in 2006 and 2007. There are two icons of the 1960s who started wearing them, one being my role model who started wearing them at a very young age of 22 or even sooner. I have a very good eye for detail looking at pictures and I can pick up on stuff like that. If you really want to know their names, the names are Mick Avory and Bob Dyllan. Both with either HFA or AS. That's just two successful people on the spectrum. You parents don't need to worry, because 70% of grown adults on the spectrum don't have those problems.