Saturday, June 23, 2012

What It's Like To Have Gender Identity Disorder

I was born female, but I've always felt male.  I've felt this way since I was 4 years old.  I told my mum that my name was Kevin a couple of times.  Children's clothes were more androgynous in the late 70s, so I was satisfied with the clothes I had.  I preferred Lego, Spider Man and cars over dolls and dresses.  Every time I was reminded that I was a girl by one parent or the other, it felt as though I was punched in the stomach.  That went on throughout my childhood.

I was a Beatles Fan when I was 13 and I liked to wear my hair just like them.  My mum would always tell me that I'm not a Beatle and than she would comb my hair back and out of my eyes, telling me that I'm a girl.  It felt as though I was punched in the stomach, again.  I had a lump in my throat for the rest of that evening and I couldn't bare to look at my girlish looking hair in the mirror.  I brushed my bangs forward the next morning.  I wasn't going to look how I didn't wish to look.

I've gone through grades 9 and 10, hating my gender and body with a passion.  I wore loose T-shirts so the guys wouldn't be able to notice my breasts and I still wore my hair like The Beatles and than later on in grade 10, with my bangs combed to the side like Mick Avory of The Kinks did in 1966.  My mum asked why I wore my hair like that, wishing that I'd poof up my bangs the way girls did in the early 90s.  She didn't say it, but I knew she was thinking it.  I was scared to tell her the truth, so I said nothing.  I should have told her that I felt male and I wanted to be a man.  Once again, I felt that I was punched in the stomach

I went through a Hippie phase as well.  Hippie is the most gender neutral thing.

I went back to the Mick Avory hair at the age of 21 and that's the way that it was going to be, whether people liked it or not. I also feel very blessed and lucky to have his face.  Most women look like well, women.

My mum attempted to convince me to be more feminine the spring and summer of 1998, than I became sick with Depression, Psychosis and Anxiety.  She'd tell me that I'm a girl and girl was a compliment to me.  It didn't take too long before I started buying male and gender neutral clothes again.

I tried Punk which is also gender neutral.

I went back to the Mick Avory hair in the fall of 2009 and it looks adorable with my Mick Avory face.  I also dress in a gender neutral fashion putting emphasis on the unisex Mod look of the Mid 1960s.  It works well, because I am a Mod.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've typed in my blog.  All has been going well.  I'm doing much better than I did when I've left off.  I've also joined Swag Bucks just a couple of days ago, as well.  It's very fun to use.  I must get to bed.  I'll write tomorrow.