Sunday, August 11, 2013

Back after a long stretch

I got so busy with my life that I forgot about my blogs.  I'm still part of the Pro-Life movement and I've been doing pretty well.  I've also been doing lots of walking.  I'm also going to start looking for work in a couple of weeks.  It's tough not having a job.  My old job was a part of my identity.  We all got laid off last October on the 31st.  I'm just hoping that the changes in background of my blog are going to show up.

I wish everybody a good day.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

It's Autism Awareness Month in Canada

It's Autism Awareness month in Canada and I'm not that thrilled about it.  All the media cares to talk about are special diets, cures and treatments.  There's never any mention about the positive things about autism.  They only focus on the negatives.  Experts and families are constantly pushing for a cure.  Many people on the spectrum including myself don't wish to be cured.  I'm just happy that I'm not watching TV these days.  I get to avoid those Autism Speaks commercials. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Assertiveness

I've decided to be more assertive with my mum a couple of weeks ago.  She was insisting that it's fun to remember things from the past that I like, but I have to live in the present.  I sat around for a few minutes, than I've decided to quiz her on it.  I've phoned her back and asked what she meant by living for today, in the present.  I asked if she meant that she wanted me to be more like my sister, who's three years younger than I am.  I've also asked her if she meant that she wants me to be like everybody else.

She said these words to me:

"All your life, you've been trying to live in some decade.  First you tried to be the Beatle, than you tried to be the Kink and than you tried to be Austin Powers."  I've interrupted her and said,  "I was being myself when I was dressing like The Kinks in the 90s." 

She asked, "You were?"

I answered, "Yes, I was."

She said, "I think the only reason that you've phoned, is to start an argument!"

I told her that I had to go.  She told me not to hang up, all pissed off.  I told her that I really had to go and hung up on her.  I went to the pharmacy to see what kind of expensive products they had, than I went back to my apartment.  My mum phoned me when I was gone, so I phoned her back.

I told her:

"I like the 60s more than most people.  That's my happy place."

She said, "And of course you're going to wear the same clothes as The Kinks, because you like those clothes."

I actually did tried living in the present between 2007 and the late August of 2009.  I wasn't doing myself any favours.  I showed my rebellious side to a bunch of kids who were sitting around a nearby park on Canada Day and from that point until the early October of 2009, I went into a downward spiral of Anxiety and Depression, because I've realized the errors of my ways.  I wasn't in my happy place.  I was living in the present and taking the world as it was during that time.  I was drinking a lot of energy drinks towards the end, because I couldn't keep up with the present.

The happy ending:

I've started being myself again by going back to my 60s-type Mod roots and listening to The Kinks, again.  I'm still living for today in the present, but only in a way that I'm able to with the Internet.  It's better for me this way.  I don't have to act all tough. :)


Saturday, June 23, 2012

What It's Like To Have Gender Identity Disorder

I was born female, but I've always male.  I've felt this way since I was 4 years old.  I told my mum that my name was Kevin a couple of times.  Children's clothes were more androgynous in the late 70s, so I was satisfied with the clothes I had.  I preferred Lego, Spider Man and cars over dolls and dresses.  Every time I was reminded that I was a girl by one parent or the other, it felt as though I was punched in the stomach.  That went on throughout my childhood.

I was a Beatles Fan when I was 13 and I liked to wear my hair just like them.  My mum would always tell me that I'm not a Beatle and than she would comb my hair back and out of my eyes, telling me that I'm a girl.  It felt as though I was punched in the stomach, again.  I had a lump in my throat for the rest of that evening and I couldn't bare to look at my girlish looking hair in the mirror.  I brushed my bangs forward the next morning.  I wasn't going to look how I didn't wish to look.

I've gone through grades 9 and 10, hating my gender and body with a passion.  I wore loose T-shirts so the guys wouldn't be able to notice my breasts and I still wore my hair like The Beatles and than later on in grade 10, with my bangs combed to the side like Mick Avory of The Kinks did in 1966.  My mum asked why I wore my hair like that, wishing that I'd poof up my bangs the way girls did in the early 90s.  She didn't say it, but I knew she was thinking it.  I was scared to tell her the truth, so I said nothing.  I should have told her that I felt male and I wanted to be a man.  Once again, I felt that I was punched in the stomach

I went through a Hippie phase as well.  Hippie is the most gender neutral thing.

I went back to the Mick Avory hair at the age of 21 and that's the way that it was going to be, whether people liked it or not. I also feel very blessed and lucky to have his face.  Most women look like well, women.

My mum attempted to convince me to be more feminine the spring and summer of 1998, than I became sick with Depression, Psychosis and Anxiety.  She'd tell me that I'm a girl and girl was a compliment to me.  It didn't take too long before I started buying male and gender neutral clothes again. 

I tried Punk which is also gender neutral.

I went back to the Mick Avory hair in the fall of 2009 and it looks adorable with my Mick Avory face.  I also dress in a gender neutral fashion putting emphasis on the unisex Mod look of the Mid 1960s.  It works well, because I am a Mod.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've typed in my blog.  All has been going well.  I'm doing much better than I did when I've left off.  I've also joined Swag Bucks just a couple of days ago, as well.  It's very fun to use.  I must get to bed.  I'll write tomorrow.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Forced Change Is Not Good

Forced change is not good for people on the autistic spectrum.

I remember the spring and the summer of 1998. The worse summer months of my life. I felt that my parents didn't accept me the way that I was. I knew that my mum wanted me to be more feminine and I just wasn't ready for that. I will never be ready for that. She was talking me into buying clothes that were more feminine than what I was used to, or than the stuff that I wanted to wear. Clothes that were almost painted on to my body. She was also trying to turn me against The Kinks. That really pissed me off. She even compared me to Mick Avory of The Kinks in a patronizing manner. That caused 11 years of forced nerdiness and toughness. I've started out an Austin Powers like nerd and than I had to prove my toughness towards the end, after losing an online friend, by living the life of a Punk Rocker.

I came out of the ruins of the forced change in the September of 2009, accepting myself for the first time in my life. I've even accepted how much like Mick Avory I really am. I've decided that nobody is going to force me to change, this time. There might be people on the Internet who might not understand this about me. I've made up my mind that I'd rather face my Matrix head on and let my true colours show, than pretend to be like the 20 to 30 something year old women that I see walking around with their cute feminine clothes and their done up hair, who starve themselves to what they call female perfection.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

From I've Seen And Observed

I was just talking about the fact that my niece is going through the beginning of potty training and some uneasy feelings I had about it.

This has got me writing about somebody who's 30 times her age, whom I look up to very much. From what I've seen and observed, Mick Avory has the same type of "problem" that I do. I've seen many pictures taking of The Kinks and himself from the 60s until now and it was very clear that he was wearing quite a bit more than ordinary underwear. He even made light of it, the night that The Kinks were inducted into The Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame. Watch very carefully around the 5:o4 mark in the video. It's a bit of a morality booster for me.